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National Physician’s Suicide Awareness Day 2025

I can still remember my first week of medical school. I remember being sat in the lecture theatre, near the back, with some of my new friends from my halls. We were there for a series of introductory lectures including a wellbeing talk. They discussed the statistics of how many of us sadly may experience poor mental health and would become mentally ill during our degree. They spoke about the support services that were available if we needed them.

I remember thinking it was good they were doing this talk for others but that I didn’t really need to listen as I wouldn’t need their services or support. I was studying the degree I’d always wanted to do. I was living in the place I’d always dreamt of. I had great friends and a loving family. There’s no way I was going to become mentally unwell again, having been unwell with an eating disorder whilst at school. I told myself that I wasn’t “the type” of person to experience other mental illnesses.

I remained relatively well for my first two years until the summer before my third year of medical school. I slowly started to feel low in mood for “no reason”. I lost enjoyment in so many things that I used to enjoy. I didn’t want to get up in the morning and I didn’t look forward to anything. Objectively everything was going well at that point for me. I was a third year medical student, living in a flat with my friends and in a great relationship. This made me feel incredibly guilty for feeling this way. I had so many good things in my life and I was sad. Every day at placement I saw how unfair life could be and knew how lucky my loved ones and I were to be healthy. Of course in hindsight now I know there was absolutely no reason to feel guilty as sadly as I was unwell which was the reason I was feeling that way.

I’d be able to get through a day of placement just about but then return home and start crying for “no reason”. I started to not enjoy anything that I used to and everyday felt like a week. I started by telling myself I just need to be more grateful. I wasn’t the “type of person” to be depressed. Despite being a medical student and learning about mental health conditions, I held a lot of self-stigma surrounding mental illness.

Over time I grew to accept that a mentally healthy person probably wouldn’t be feeling this way all of the time and deep down knew that I was most likely unwell with depression. However it took me another long period of time before I reached out to my GP for support due to self-stigma.

Initially with the support of medication, therapy and my loved ones I started to slowly get better. However a few months later unfortunately things got worse again and I reached an even lower point. I started experiencing thoughts of ending my life for the first time. This was an extremely scary and distressing time. I found it extremely difficult to be honest about the nature of these thoughts to my loved ones and thankfully through a helpful GP I found out about The Listening Place, a charity that supports people with suicidal thoughts. Slowly I started to get better, know that life was worth existing and start to find enjoyment and fulfillment in things again.

Now 5 years later, I am healthier and happier than I have ever been. I have successfully completed my first two years working as a doctor, something I once thought would never have been possible when I was unwell. 

Through sharing my story I hope to show that none of us are immune to mental illness. That it is not a character flaw or anyone’s fault, but something that will affect 1 in 4 of us every year. I hope to show that it is still possible to be a doctor if you have experienced mental ill health. I want to raise awareness of mental illness in medical students and doctors and for others to feel less alone if they are unwell. There is absolutely no shame in being unwell with your mental health. You deserve professional treatment of any condition, physical or mental.